Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
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I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
I’m sure it’s fine.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut