Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
You Might Also Like
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
This is my bus stop.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
A game married people play.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.