Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
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i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)