Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
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If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Not messing around
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.