Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
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Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC