Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
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[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
no their not
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Um … Hot Wings please
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Somebody call the cops.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”