“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
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The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
The opposite of goth is stopth.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
reviewed some movies recently
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.