Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
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“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha