Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
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Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.