Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
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The big book of baby names but for safe words
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Oops I deleted….
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Breaking news:
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!