Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
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Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”