Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
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I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Mouse
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high