Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
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My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks