Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
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Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.