People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
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They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]