Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
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My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)