I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
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If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo