ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
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I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
How can I say no to this ?
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.