[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
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Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)