@usermcuserface: Wife: It's not a chick flick! Me: was the movie released in February? W: yes. M: are they standing back to back on the cover? W: sigh.. yes

@RandomRamblr: She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.

@MrJeberling: -Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated. -Well whoever did this must be pretty....crafty. -Go to hell sir.

@_correctomundo: Twitter should send notifications when you're about to get fired and divorced.

@briangaar: [interrupts brain surgeon] yes, but I read on Web MD that