[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
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Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.