Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
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[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠