Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
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Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.