Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
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cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
that lip filler tho
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.