Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
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Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges