Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
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This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
🤣🤣🤣
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)