ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
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Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
I created you as mosquito food.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera