ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
You Might Also Like
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
i hate you platonically
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
I finally found a reason to live again.