Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
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Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
lmfao
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.