Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
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I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.