Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
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I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
I support this random dude and all his protests
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
PLEASE READ
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
There’s no “u” in narcissist