Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
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My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?