Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
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Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend