[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
You Might Also Like
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this