Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
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Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”