me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
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An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.