Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
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I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
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Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.