Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
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My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”