Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
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*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That鈥檚 because it鈥檚 me in all of them.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
馃幎99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-馃幎Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Wikigenius
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
This should not be this funny I am sorry馃槶馃槶馃槶
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don鈥檛 make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Kid: Mom, the light鈥檚 on in my closet.
Me: That鈥檚 weird. The monster must be looking for something.
She wasn鈥檛 matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 馃檮馃槀
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I鈥檓 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.