ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
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ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
The pen is writier than the sword.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]