ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
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Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there