Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
You Might Also Like
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
they really do be looking like this
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.