Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
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If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Me redecorating every room in my mind
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it