[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
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It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.