ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
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Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Finally!
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running