Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
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Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day