me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
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[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.