Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
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Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Happy Halloween 🎃
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.