“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
You Might Also Like
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
i could never be president. im overqualified.