*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
You Might Also Like
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
my proudest tweet
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Pizza is an emotion right?
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion