Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
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8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made